On Grieving

So there we were, squared off across the table, the emotional side of the family over there, the more guarded side of the family aligned with yours truly. At the far end of the table was a psychologist and grief counselor, Kevin or Keith. And, on the speaker phone from China, was our brother Bob, who really does not fit into any family characterization other than “unique.” I suppose he would have sat at a different table.

I am an introvert, and I am not publicly emotional. To some I would appear stilted, even stunted emotionally, but I am not. And I have come to grips with my father’s impending demise. Still, there we all were, to discuss the process of grieving. Although it seemed to me to be a rather formal means of discussing a rather personal topic, it was important for our family to discuss this and make clear that we would indeed “be there” for each other to assist in the grieving process.

Family members tend to revert to specific “roles” when they get together as adults. My brother the lawyer arranged this meeting. He believes in meetings and counseling. My siblings and I all assumed our roles (I am a “listener”) around the tables, to some degree, and I believe overall this was a beneficial meeting. The psychologist’s description of the many ways that people grieve, and the many different time tables, was of the most value to me, as I know from past experience that I do not spend a lot of time grieving right away, but tend to dole out grief in measured bursts, staggered at intervals that I can handle. Since I am fundamentally unable to handle a lot of grief at once, this tends toward a long period of grieving. But I already knew that. Now I know that’s OK. The others discussed what is important to them. Largely, I came away with the awareness of needing to support my mother more than ever, and to keep in touch just as much with my siblings after Dad’s demise as during the time we have been managing his illness.

I am thankful my brother instigated the meeting, and that we were all available to attend. Perhaps this would have been a good idea when our older sister Mary died in a car crash six years back, when I was just about convinced we were all dysfunctional because the grieving processes were varied and many, and that I must have been doing something wrong since I could not relate to how the others were handling things.

While I was in the Navy, a dozen of my friends died. All while flying, usually while flying into the ground, but sometimes the water. And all were avoidable accidents, mishaps, not war time losses. Considered “aircrew error” except for the F-14 that disintegrated when its afterburner blew up instead of igniting. My sister and my nephew died in a sudden car crash, an accident for which they were blameless. These were all losses that happened suddenly. The death watch for my father is a different situation. It is a slow motion mishap, the kind you can see coming from a mile away and brace yourself for the impact. So there is time to prepare, and, although you cannot avoid it, you can prepare yourself for it. The wise will take the time to make these preparations while they have the chance.